if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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