I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
