i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
