Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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