I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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