Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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