if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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