is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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