I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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