I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
