I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
