remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
