that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
