I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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