He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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