She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
