Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
