pop tarts are not kleenex
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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