Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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