LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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