mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
