I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
