What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
