The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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