Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize