there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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