Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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