I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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