ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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