Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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