I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
