If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
