I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
