dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
