Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
