I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
