I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
