She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
