Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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