Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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