It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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