I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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