If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
