His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
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Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
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Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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