go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
