After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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