i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
