thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
