Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
