Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
