Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
