she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
