Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
