If i come over, it means nothing
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
