i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
