That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
